Politics is a Contact Sport

17 01 2008

We all know politics is a contact sport. But imagine if the candidates in the current slug fest we call the primaries were armed with aluminum bats and just went at each other. I realize that sounds a bit bloodthirsty.

But Sean Mintus at Aporos apparently took this thought experiments seriously enough to offer actual profiles of the strengths and weaknesses each candidate, and, interestingly enough, which bats would be appropriate for whom.

Here is how Mintus sized them up.

Hillary Clinton, Democrat
Weapon of choice: Louisville CB73D TPX Dynasty Adult Baseball Bat
Advantages: Bloodlust (see: Vince Foster); Male candidates reluctant to “smack a lady;”*** If disarmed, equally dangerous with fangs and talons; Capable of summoning tears at will; Frost magic.
*** – Does not apply to Giuliani
Disadvantages: Slightly smaller testosterone level than rival combatants; Lateral movement encumbered by giant wads of corporate money; Equivocation muddles reaction time; Constantly glancing at husband sitting in press box next to portly intern.

John Edwards, Democrat
Weapon of choice:
Rawlings BBLMPF Liquidmetal Plasma Fusion Baseball Bat
No physical evidence of aging; Teeth made of indestructible Adamantium; Toughness required to stomach sex with Elizabeth Edwards no fewer than four times; Daddy worked in a mill; Daddy worked in a mill; Daddy worked in a mill.
Disadvantages: Fatigued by constant smiling through the pain; Basic third-wheel irrelevancy; Demoralized by opponents’ persistent urge to tussle his hair.

Rudy Giuliani, Republican
Weapon of choice: Rawlings Rush Composite Adult Baseball Bat
Advantages: Mob Boss from Brooklyn; Entirely without scruples; Capable of modifying stance at will; Upper body toned from so much passing of the 9/11 buck; Knows where everyone’s kids live.
Disadvantages: Used to paying for, not doing, dirty work; Disruptive phone calls from various ex-wives and mistresses; Clenched jaw sore from constant, wet-eyed mention of 9/11.

Mike Huckabee, Republican
Weapon of choice: DeMarini Voodoo Youth Baseball Bat
Advantages: Impervious to logic; Shapeshifting; Perfect storm of righteous populist politics and Christian Fundamentalism; Plenty of legislative bat-swinging experience on pregnant teenagers.
Disadvantages: Categorically insane; Fear of science; Tempted by scent of hot dogs wafting down from the stands; Reluctance to acknowledge base, animalistic evolutionary instincts.

John McCain, Republican
Weapon of choice: Combat Virus Balanced Senior League Baseball Bat
Advantages: Trains in dry climate, at altitude; Has trouble remembering what he said ten minutes previous, let alone whom he’s killed; Tight lower body in impeccable shape from walking ever since Straight Talk Express broke down in early 2000.
Disadvantages: Has unpredictable spells where he wanders around telling fire hydrants that his children are ungrateful; Still strides bowlegged courtesy of Rove-led P.R. offensive eight years ago; Oldest living human in Western Hemisphere.

Barack Obama, Democrat
Weapon of choice: DeMarini Half & Half Doublewall Youth Baseball Bat
Advantages: Grew up on mean streets of Jakarta; Rides into battle atop semi-domesticated Oprahsaurus; Natural athletic superiority not discussed in polite society; Sonar.
Disadvantages: Smoker’s fatigue; Stranger to street violence; Tendency toward optimism.

That assessment of John Edwards is hilarious!

To see Sean Mintus’ entire list of candidates and their profiles, click here.

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